September | 2018 | Prisoner of Hope

Jeremiah 3:15 (ESV)
¹⁵ …”And I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding….” declares the Lord….

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The scripture had leaped off the page one day in the spring of 2006….you know those moments when He is whispering something so vital to you, and you strain to comprehend it, and your heart responds with such longing. I’d been searching guardedly for a church home forever it seemed — my heart trying to recover from the collapse of the church I’d grown up and labored in for all of my life. I cried out that day, YES! Please God, YES! Lead me to a church where there are shepherds chasing after YOUR Heart and YOUR Truth! Lead me to that place where Your People gather together and worship You in Spirit and in Truth! With all my heart I’m longing for that fellowship!

The scripture about the shepherds would be forgotten for days, but then it would rise up unannounced, and my heart would ache again with such longing. That summer of 2006 was a time of profound healing and working through deep long-buried wounds with some amazing counselors. (I was once again under care of a pain management team, trying to get to the root of the deep unbearable pain just below the ribs on my right side, and the panic attacks that had come on suddenly.)

But that’s another story — today is about His shepherds….and His shepherd TaDa!

After the summer of intense work, my pain manageable again, I had signed up to go on HeartQuest in September of that year. (For anyone longing for a deeper “God-encounter?” If you’d like to get away for a week and disconnect from the world, go on a Quest to recover your heart and chase after the One who is calling to the deepest part of you. Go check out the adventure at http://www.thequestlife.com. I’m privileged now to serve on women’s events. And I’m amazed every time I go, to see the transformation of the girls who get on the bus and return 5 days later radically awakened! And the same thing happens with the men’s Quest!)

And such was my HeartQuest experience in September of 2006. After 5 days of being in a fellowship of women who welcomed His Presence, preaching Truth and Identity, I returned back home. I was forever changed….radically awakened to my Identity, and the True Identity of the One Who was calling me into this great adventure!

I came home. And the battle got hotter… I found that the change in me seemed to set my husband even more against me and against God. But I was learning to love him deeply, and get out of God’s Way as He dealt with him. By November, he had finally agreed to go with me to a marriage counselor for help. I went to my Aetna website, and found only one response to my search for counseling. I called and scheduled our first meeting, and my Father was smiling because He had set me up once again….

On the day of the appointment, hubby came down with a migraine and couldn’t go…and I found myself in the office alone with a new counselor. As he walked in, he carried with him a presence of safety and kindness and compassion. I loved his deep voice and his graying hair. Within a few minutes, I was pouring out my heart to him. I remember saying something like, “I don’t know what you believe about God, but He’s become my everything, and I want my heart and my path in alignment with Him and His Word.” I poured out my story of abuse from youngest childhood up to the present day….and I remember saying I don’t want to go through another divorce. I was repeating all the “truths” about marriage that I remembered from my past religions, and how I wanted to fix it at all costs. Finally, this beautiful stranger turned in his chair, took his well-loved Bible off his desk and began to talk to me about God’s original plan for marriage. And about how God is love, and how it’s never His Will that one of us would be abused by another. And he said if you summed up all the Words and Truths in the Bible, if you could wring the Book in your hands and pour out the one drop of the ESSENCE of it into your hand, you would be holding “God is Love.”

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Deep called unto deep. My heart was responding, but my mind was arguing all the “truths” that I had memorized….truths that I would learn had been distorted by the enemy….but the witness in my heart was shouting “this is TRUTH!” As my hour was winding down, this kind and gentle man assured me that he could help me, and he’d love to see me again, and then he asked if he could pray for me. Tears trickled down my cheeks as he bowed his head and poured out a fragrance of words of comfort and reverent worship into the room.

I’m looking at the top of his bowed head, my heart wanting so desperately to grasp that this Bible IS about God’s LOVE for me and not His punishments and His “thou shalt not’s”…… and I’m asking God from the depths of my heart, lead me, guide me, let me understand, is this counselor speaking Truth to me….I would desperately love to sit with him again, but….

At that exact moment, the frame on the wall behind him seemed to shift to draw my attention…and I saw it was one of his college diplomas. For the very first time, the name of my new counselor broke through with clarity: ROB SHEPPARD ….and I heard deep in my heart that Voice that changes everything…..”I told you I would give you shepherds after My Own Heart who would lead you with knowledge and understanding”….

Undone… again…. becoming my favorite place to be …. Undone …

That man would become one of my dearest mentors on this earth. He taught me about reclaiming, embracing and cherishing the lost child within. And about God’s Unending, Passionate Love for His Children, the Love that will go to the ends of the earth to find us and save us and bless our little socks off. Rob Sheppard truly IS a shepherd after God’s Own Heart, and I am blessed and healthier for having known him….and yes, I shared the story with him later…and he got a good chuckle out of that one….He seemed to know his place in the Father’s Heart….

~~for anyone seeking an amazing Christian counselor in Fort Worth, you can find Dr Sheppard at: http://www.uccsolutions.com/ ….tell him Toni sent you….I bet he smiles~~

In my Journey back to His Heart for me, many songs have crossed my path at just that perfect moment. You know what I mean? Songs that stop you in your tracks, or pick you up, cheer you on, or sometimes turn you completely around.

In fact, my Journey had started in 2003 when a friend shared the song “Build my world around Hope.” I found myself drawn like a magnet to iron, every time they sang the word “HOPE”. (Hindsight being 20/20, I can see how He’s been dropping glimpses of HOPE from day one…bread crumbs leading steadily back to The Path….to become that Prisoner of Hope….)

And such was the moment of the song “Before the Morning”, by Josh Wilson. It was in the Fall of 2011. A dear friend had a lovely little cabin in the woods in a lake community northeast of Dallas, and it was available that week-end for me….

I headed out. I was numb. I didn’t want to think or try to make sense of the war zone that was my home. As soon as I reached the highway, I slipped in a new CD that had come in the mail that day. It was from the “2011 Beloved Reign Conference” at Covenant Church. I had only attended one of the sessions, so this CD was fresh and new for me. It was, of course, the message that I needed to hear…

Amie Dockery taught, in a beautiful and captivating style, about the transformation of the Monarch caterpillar to the butterfly….Ah-ma-zing lesson! The part that just broke me was when she described the process of transformation. The worm has surrendered itself, hung upside down on a branch, covered in its cocoon, in the dark, having a complete meltdown, with no idea how long the process would take. Its body is being completely melted and re-arranged and changed until there will be nothing from the original that could be recognized. It is being shaped and molded into an exquisitely beautiful creature. God spoke straight to my heart as she cried out, “Beloved, you’ve found yourself with your world upside down, in the dark, being crushed and melted, and you’re screaming GET ME OUT OF HERE! A place where everything you were is being Divinely disorganized! Everything you recognize about yourself is in meltdown mode! You’re hanging upside down in the dark and you have no idea where God is taking you. And you are screaming ‘what did I do wrong???’ But what if the Holy Spirit wants to say to you right now: ‘It’s not what you’ve done wrong, IT’S WHAT YOU DID RIGHT that has put you in this place! …. You’re about to come forth a beautiful Monarch butterfly and fulfill your purpose, spreading pollen from flower to flower throughout the kingdom!”

Tears spilled down my cheeks as she preached on, and I felt Hope stirring in my heart. I remember at that precise moment, I looked up and saw a water tower with the word “HOPE” painted on it…I’m not making this up….I’ve tried to locate the picture that I took, but it’s buried in my computer somewhere… When I googled it, there’s a town called “New Hope” and that may have been the one….

I drove on to the cabin and got settled in for the night…I remember I did not sleep well. My heart was heavy and hurting. And my mind so full of questions…

Early the next morning, sitting on the front porch steps with my coffee, those questions poured out of my heart to Him. The hard “WHY” questions. The Job questions that plead your case before Him. I obeyed You! I re-married this man You had chosen for me! And I thought we had a deal….I thought You had agreed that our lives would become the “happily ever after” that I had dreamed of…why is it harder now than the first time? He’s had six spinal surgeries, he’s in pain all the time, and he’s not the perfect Prince Charming I thought You had promised….and there’s no way out… Help me understand…. I poured it all out before Him, and then my eyes were drawn to the green vines covering the yard in front of me. The leaves were heart-shaped, and there were thousands of them….literally thousands… I picked up my phone and snapped a picture to text to my BFF….then set the phone down beside me. Without warning, music began pouring from my phone and a song began to play….the words speaking answers to the cries of my heart, and I was undone…

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the Light
Press on and just fight the Good Fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends, you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there, so say a prayer
And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Isaiah 40:28-29 (NIV)
²⁸ Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. ²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

…I went home with a bigger picture than just the snapshot I’d been viewing. I had been seen. My cries had been heard. And answered….there was a bigger Purpose ahead. I was strengthened. Heading back home with a Hope to dare to believe, Courage to fight the Good Fight, and Faith to hold on for the Morning that is coming….

God is Good….He has a Plan….and we are Loved….

Prisoner of Hope

…One Daughter's Journey from Lost to Found…

Month: September 2018

“Shepherds after My Own Heart…”

Before the Morning…song by Josh Wilson